Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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