Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
