just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
