he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize