I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
