I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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