The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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