Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
