Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
