you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
