i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
