I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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