I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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