So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
