I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
