I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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