also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
