all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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