so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
