Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
