Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize