Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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