Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
