Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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