why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
