In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My life is pants optional.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize