Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we're so committed to being not committed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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