Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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