im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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