I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
