you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
