So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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