Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
