i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
