everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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