I got chris browned last night
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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