Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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