I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
