i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
