i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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