u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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