Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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