Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
