I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
