I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
