I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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