she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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