end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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