i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
