She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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