I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
