ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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