tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
