And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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