Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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