i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
