I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
