I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
