he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
