It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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