I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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