I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
