you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
