if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
